Spanish phrasebook

I’ve never thought about custard too much. If I do think about custard it’s generally along the lines of this.

“I would quite like to eat some custard”
“I wonder if we have any custard”
“Where is that custard?”
“I wonder if my custard is ready…”
“Should I have this custard hot or cold?”
“I’m enjoying this custard”
“I enjoyed that custard”
“I wish there was more custard”

…never much more than that. I tend to do more with custard than ponder it.

So it was quite the surprise to my mind when yesterday a young Spanishman* waved a box of custard doughnuts in my mooey in Sainsburys. “¿VOT ISS ZEES COOSTART PLEESE?” he exclaimed in his Mediterranean way, all arms and greasy hair. I have to say it caught me quite unawares. There I was, looking at the orange juice in Clapham Junction, deciding between smooth and lumpy (I went for smooth), and not really paying attention.
“I beg your pardon?”
“ZEES DURRNURRTS HEFF COOSTART. ¿VOT ISS ZEES?”

It’s a harder question than you think. In a split second I thought of all the possible words to describe custard to an unknowing Spanishman.
Custard is: lovely, tasty, yellow, sweet, perfect with my Mum’s ginger sponge. None of these were probably much help to old Jose or whatever his name was, Guido or Fernando.

“It’s like creamy, vanilla stuff. It’s nice. Mmmmm” *elaborately rubs belly and licks lips*

Job done. Custard successfully described. Spanishman happy (well, he put the doughnuts down and went for the more conventional strawberry jams ones. He didn’t ask me what jam was. Jam is universal). I went and bought my sleek orange juice, and went home feeling bloody pleased with myself.

*I went for ‘Spanishman’ over ‘Spaniard’ – there’s something about the latter that just sounds racist… not sure why… The former is made up, but at least follows an accepted form. At least I didn’t go for ‘Dago’, ‘Spanky’, or ‘Sombreroid’ – that could’ve landed me right in the midst of an international incident! That’s the last thing I need on a Friday!

#16 – jan 8 2010 – half / half

No story to tell, I just couldn’t be arsed to do anything over Christmas.  So I guess a belated Merry Xmas + HNY etc. Couldn’t even be arsed to type that sentence out. Pretty telling.
I have actually drawn something though. I think the problem with this blog was that I would HAVE to draw something, so inevitable it would be shit or X Factor related or shit and X Factor related. But yesterday I drew something, and today I thought I should post it up.

But only half of it.
Basically the post-it note I used to draw this camera already had stuff written on it. It was a proper telephone doodle: part-drawing, part notes about work.
So I used my amazing Photoshop Paint skills to chop out the bit I didn’t like and drew in the missing half. You probably won’t spot the join it is so amazingly done. You know those photos where they pasted Lady GaGa’s head onto a wolf’s body when it was rumoured she had a dog’s cock as well a human man’s - it’s nearly as good as that.

Hence:

#15 – december 20 2009 – oh dear i seem to have missed 5 days

So that’s a fail for the Hundred Days things then! Let’s be honest though I did a fortnight, putting up something usually sub-par every single day, which for me is somewhat of an achievement.

I’m still going to keep on keepin’ on though. This way makes more sense now. I’m not tied to the every day thing, not tied to the 100 day limit/target. I can actually put stuff up as and when I have something worthwhile putting up. Expect to see my next post in June 2010. Arf.

No, I will put things up regularly. If I wait til I have something good, that is worth sharing I may as well retire now. So don’t  worry. Fb and Twitter feeds of crap will not cease any time soon.

So, onto today. I am tired, my head feels like it is full of dust, and I am recovering from the dual trials of last night having to dress up as Santa and today visiting a cash & carry. The horror, the horror as Captain Mainwaring once said.
So today’s hurried illustration is, naturally, given the events leading up to it, a picture of a monkey with a dinosaur’s tail doing a dance, in various  tones of brown. Delightful, you have to admit.

I shall name him Creepy Thomas.

#14 14 december 2009 – london nightlife with fools

At this precise moment I am standing behind the desk at Bite. To prove it at the bottom of this blog I will post a pic of Kim & Emma, Bite’s resident door-idiots. They’ve just been talking about gluing their legs together as part of an art project. They are imbeciles. I can’t wait to fire them.
They don’t understand art. I am an artist. Lady Gaga is an artist. A drawing of Gaga, by me is a pinnacle of art. Look.
(oh and a pic of idiots)

#13 13 dec 2009 – The X factor final: who will win?

Olly or Joe?

#12 – december 12 2009 – a weird car i saw

A bit of a different post today. I went to Sainsburys in Wandsworth today to do some shopping, and when I parked I saw this in the car next to me:

A bit odd, to have signs on all the seats so I took a closer look…

In case you can’t read it:

TRY NOT TO SIT IN THIS CAR. YOU STINK IDIOT. YOUR BODY ODOUR IS UNBEARABLE.

What the hell has happened here? Who is this message aimed at?
It doesn’t say ‘Don’t drive my car’ – it’s ‘Try not to sit in my car’ …
Who are they? Why are they getting in a car? What are they doing that is stinking out the car so much?

And is STINK IDIOT the best insult ever?

Anyway this blog is supposed to be me drawing shit pics… so here is todays:

Ix

#11 – december 11 2009 – a lesson for the youthful

I’ve never hosted a dinner party, and I rarely purchase alcohol so this isn’t a lesson so much from experience as from a green camel.

#10 10 december 2009 – the 1st post it note post (it)

Actually the media I have employed for this little artwork is a combination of generic unbranded sticky note paper (the smaller, lighter squarer notes) and a proper Post-It® Brand. I stuck with the classic yellow, largely because that is what was in the stationary cupboard.

For the record, this is a picture of a cat who is in a shop (called “Shops” it seems), and he is buying one singular, but giant carrot. I have no further information at this point.

Ix

#9 9th december 2009 – koala in car

I really like this picture. The last few (8) have been shit.

#8 december 8th 2009 – what a trooper

I’m too tired for this today so I’m just putting up a picture + details. Night night. x

It is 5.30pm.